Wiping back the years By Eva Lamour

By on March 9, 2010

Whilst most of us can’t wait to grow up and become independent, decide for ourselves what to wear, what to do or even what to think, others secretly rejoice at being little ones and wish they could be a child forever. You might think of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up, but this is no film script, this is a real life story.

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Infatilists crave to regress to a younger age: baby, toddler or teenager, sometimes with a desire to wear nappies. They are known as adult babies, or ABs. Not much has been written about adult babies, mostly due to not having ample information about them; therefore the few articles in existence are from psychologists or doctors. So, when I met Christian in a fetish club in London, who confessed to being an infantilist, curiosity got the better of me and I jumped at the offer of spending some time in his company and his ‘little me’, Bibbi, in order to understand about ABs. After all, who better than a real life AB to answer the multitude of questions I had?

We arranged for me to live in his world for a few days and share the life of an infantilist. Christian is very willing and keen to talk about himself and his age play, as infantilism still carries many negative connotations and prejudices. He wants to dissolve some of the beliefs that he has encountered and show everybody that ABs are no weird creatures who suffer from some kind of psychological disturbance, nor should they be cured of a strange condition.

Once settled in his apartment, I am ready to observe, and participate if the occasion presents itself. I am curious to see how Christian and Bibbi live together, whether it is a Jekyl and Hyde scenario, taking on a different identity, or simply a question of changing clothes and wearing nappies, or again something rather different.

Christian explains that Bibbi is a four year old child who enjoys playing Lego, cuddling his soft elephant toy, wearing nappies and children’s clothes. He recalls being about four years old when he realised that there was something very special about being little. “As a child I always wanted to be the baby when we played ‘Mummys and Daddys’, much to the amusement of my big sister and our playmates”, he recounts. As he grew older, his desire to regress to childhood increased. It was more than being a child, it was the combination of being little, wearing nappies and feeling vulnerable that felt so good. Christian confesses to being a bed-wetter until well into his puberty. Yet, after the age of 4 or 5, he was never made to wear nappies, as his parents believed it was very inappropriate at this stage. “I realised how much I missed their comfort and security, and I quickly developed a strong desire to be back in them” he declares. Once again, he would always volunteer to be put in nappies, whenever he played ‘Mummys and Daddys’ with his friends. This fixation for wearing nappies grew stronger and stronger. He reveals that from this moment on, unbeknown to his parents, he would make ‘nappies’ out of cloth, towels or any material he deemed appropriate. By the time he was an adolescent, Christian decided to swap his pretend nappies for real ones, and adventured himself to a shop as far away as possible from his home, to make his first purchase. “I remember trembling like a leaf in front of the cashier at the checkout and making lame excuses as to the reason for my purchase” he recalls. “I even got caught once shoplifting plastic panties in a supermarket – now that was embarrassing!” he continues.

Christian disappears for a while; on his return, he has changed into Bibbi, and he is wearing some colourful rompers. He decides it is time to show me how his bedroom is transformed when he wants to play. A pink blanket on the floor, covered with Lego, is awaiting him. He sits on it and starts playing, making some kind of vehicle. He is happy for me to watch him, and as he gets into the role play, he behaves just like a toddler: he shows me his creation with a happy grin, whilst sucking his dummy, seeking approval. I am willing to enter into character and praise his effort as I would a young child. At the end of his play session, Christian confesses that he can spend hours at the weekend playing Lego. “Sometimes, I just love coming home, get changed and sit there for hours playing, constructing something I like, it is really rewarding to get away from the adult in me and forget about the stressful week I have had” he reveals.

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So what else would you like to do as Bibbi?

“You know, it is really difficult to live your fantasies fully, unfortunately. What I would love to do is go out to the zoo with a ‘Mummy and Daddy’ who would take me, or go to the park on a rainy day, wearing my raincoat and my welly boots, and jump in puddles” he smiles. “But maybe because I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to do it, it is not something I get hung up about. I have resigned myself at the fact that I am never going to do all this, but I don’t feel the need for it either, not like some other Adult Babies, who go out all dressed up. I recognise that living as an Adult Baby has to be a secret most of the time because of the prejudices and the misunderstanding” he continues, “but I would love to find a Mummy and a Daddy to play happy family with, be part of a family where I am fully accepted as the little one and where my little side can flourish, but that might not be possible” he finishes with some melancholy.

However, life as an Adult Baby has improved greatly for Christian since he found the internet and the forums where he is able to communicate with other ABs. There he can express his desires, his longings, and antics or just share anything, with those who are never going to judge him. “It’s been brilliant talking to other ABs. There is a forum I am very fond of, because the girl who runs it is very knowledgeable and very sensitive. You have to be careful on these forums because you always get some prats who infiltrate them”  he explains. He also admits to spending many hours some evenings, participating in these conversations.

I still want to ask him the eternal question of ‘why’? What is the attraction about regressing?

Christian smiles, as if he had been expecting the question for a while. “I certainly don’t want to regress to childhood because I am trying to relive that period of my life. I had a very happy time as a child and I don’t want to go back there. However, as an adult, I like to transport myself back to a vulnerable state. It is about age play really” he divulges. “It’s the fascination of submission and vulnerability. I like being at the hands of someone else who is calling the shots, and who could decide to make me do something rather scary” he continues. “As an infantilist I do not seek security but vulnerability. I want innocence not safety” he proclaims. “But it’s different for other age players. Some like to go back to a baby stage, wearing and soiling nappies. As for me, I like the security of nappies but I don’t like soiling them. We all choose our own fantasies when we enter into age play”.

I decide to venture outside with Bibbi, to attend a festival by the river and experience being a ‘Mummy’ to an Adult Baby. In his denim dungarees, his colourful top and wearing a nappy, we embark on this adventure. Bibbi is very excited and plays the role of the child by not engaging in the adult conversation, and following us closely. He confesses that he would be thrilled to hold my hand, as a child would, so I take his hand in mine and we walk amongst the many visitors to the festival. We pose with a giant teddy bear who offers Bibbi a ‘red welly boots’ key ring. Has this giant teddy bear guessed something? As we walk along the river bank, Bibbi’s aspect provokes some double takes from a couple of passers by. We sit at a terrace for a drink, have a snack at one of the stands, watch some clown perform and all is very jolly. Quite honestly, I am not aware of anybody noticing his childlike appearance.

But this is reality for Christian, walking amidst a crowd portraying a person, the adult, whilst playing the role of another, the child. The public might see an adult wearing some dungarees, whilst in Christian’s head, he is Bibbi, a four year old toddler enjoying an afternoon walk with his ‘Mummy and Daddy’. Nothing sinister about it, much as it is out of the ordinary.

Life with Christian reveals itself to be a switch between the adult Christian and the child Bibbi. When Christian decides he is an adult, I must treat him as such. Thus, we engage in conversations about current affairs, and I am reminded to take his views seriously, moreover he is ready to argue his viewpoints as an adult. Yet, he can suddenly decide to switch to Bibbi, but he explains it is not a conscious decision. “There is no time for one or the other. I just feel like being one or the other and I simply am. We are not two separate people. I am the same one, only with a different behaviour and desire at different times. I can’t be with my partner, for instance, and agree to be Bibbi for a couple of hours and then return to the adult in me. It doesn’t work like that”  he claims. “Bibbi is just a part of me, all of the time, the fact that I don’t always want to express myself as Bibbi is a question of choice. I can go a few days, a week, without the desire for the child in me but then again I might go through a phase when I long to be the child every day” he continues.

At that time, does it affect your social life?

“I am not at work longing to be a child, if that is what you mean. I don’t spend hours at work thinking about what I would be doing at home as Bibbi. Also, I don’t turn away going out with my friends if that is what I really want to do. I choose what I would rather do: clubbing or stay at home as a child, maybe with my ‘Mummy’  if that was possible” Christian explains.

Does your partner take on the role of your ‘Mummy’?

“No, never!” Christian exclaims. “My partner is very accepting of my Adult Baby state, and is very tolerant, but she won’t be part of it. I am allowed to wear my children’s clothes, to play with my teddies and Lego whilst she engages in her own activities. In conversation, she talks to the adult and not the child, regardless of what I am wearing and who I want to be at that time. But that’s fine with me because I feel very grateful that she allows me to be Bibbi when I want to. You know there are many Adult Babies I talk to on the forums, who have never confessed to their partners.” he reveals.

Do you have an adult sexual relationship with your partner?

“Yes, of course. It is usually vanilla sex” Christian remarks. “But as a child, I am not allowed to have sex. It is totally forbidden” he progresses. I look rather confused, as I don’t understand this side of infatilism. After all, I have read that some Diaper Lovers express their sexuality through masturbating whilst wearing nappies.

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“That is not the case for me”  Christian explains. “My role is to be submissive so I let my partner lead me. There is nothing more gratifying than going to bed as a child, in my pyjamas and nappy, and cuddle up next to my partner. It is so rewarding that the first time it happened I cried” he recalls with emotion. “I realise that some might think of infatilism as a fetish, but, although I don’t deny that there is a sexual element to my fantasy, I do not desire, nor expect, any sexual gratification as a little one” he adds. “The buzz I get is knowing that touching my partner in a sexual way is out of bound because of my young age. In fact one of my fantasies is to witness adults having sex but being excluded, not being allowed to participate. Or again, I would creep into the bedroom without being noticed and I would watch them having sex. It’s a bit like being a naughty boy”.

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And, as a naughty boy, Christian also expects to be reprimanded and chastised for his bad behaviour. It is at this moment that his ‘nanny’ enters the bedroom whilst he is playing Lego on his blanket. In her black dress, she towers over him, waving her finger at him and telling him off for being bad. He just sits there looking up at her, sucking his dummy and looking rather startled, hiding his face in his toy elephant. She waves her crop at him in a menacing manner. He confesses later on that he loves finding himself in these situations. He never knows what his ‘nanny’ is going to demand from him; the uncertainty drives him into sexual frenzy. He lives his sexual fantasies even further when, later on, she appears dressed in latex waving her paddle at him. She makes him kneel on his bed, pulls his pyjamas and nappy down and administers a spanking. He takes it without whingeing, uttering the odd whimper and jerking with every stroke. His bottom turns redder and redder with every thump, leaving him at her mercy. “You have been such a naughty boy Bibbi” she affirms loudly as she spanks him.

Christian tells me that very rarely does he live this fantasy. “I know there are places out there, like hotels, where you can spend some time pretending to be in a nursery and where you can live your fantasies. But quite honestly, it is not for me. I don’t like being limited to a certain time, having to leave when I am not ready. I would rather find a ‘Mummy and Daddy’ with whom I can be my little me. You know, it’s about having a friend or two with whom I can share the child in me. I could wear my children’s clothes whenever I felt like it and feel natural about it”.

So, what does your wardrobe consist of?

With a smile, he opens his wardrobe door to show me his possessions. His wardrobe turns out to be an Aladin’s cave, full of treasures! This walk-in wardrobe, or should I say, this crawl-in wardrobe, offers an array of colours, a vast choice of baby-wear of all kinds. I can see dungarees, all in ones, latex rompers, coloured socks, plastic pants, nappies stacked in the corner, green welly boots, blue plimsoles, and tabards. The collection goes on and on with pink blankets, teddy bear pyjamas and dressing gowns. Everything is kept behind locked doors: a well hidden secret. Christian explains that he spends a fortune on clothing, accessories, nappies and anything that he believes to be appropriate children’s wear. “I buy everything online nowadays, as it’s so easy and a lot more discreet.” he explains. “There are more companies on the net now but the only thing I would say is that I feel there is a wider choice for girls. I particularly like a website where the owner makes all the clothes by hand and she is brilliant. Highly recommended!” he exclaims.

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But Christian is quick to remind me of past times when he threw away many of his precious children’s clothes. By the time he reached 20, he felt very ashamed about what he called his fixation with being little and he recalls that on many occasions, he purged his closet of all his possessions in order to go back to ‘normality’. This turned out to be a very expensive exercise, as every time he would fail to stay ‘normal’,  and would crave for his little me to return. He would then invest into more clothes and continue his life with the child in him. “It was just ridiculous. I convinced myself that it was just a phase in my life and that it would pass eventually. So, if I threw all the clothes and accessories away I could be a normal person again. Every time I did this, I would sigh and think ” Well, that’s it. I’m normal”, only to realise a week or two later that I just couldn’t live without my little me and the desire would return, with renewed strength”. In his early twenties Christian decided once and for all that he had to accept who he was, as denying it was futile and only made him very miserable. However, he never told anybody about that side of him until he was about thirty, when he confessed to his partner. He kept this a precious secret from everybody else in his life until recently, when he has told a few friends and has been faced with pretty undramatic reactions. He hopes that he will have the courage to express himself as the child in him with all his friends soon. “I want to be able to be who I want in my own home, whether I am by myself or with friends. Once they can see me as Bibbi, maybe they will see the funny side of it too” he smiles.

“Am I ever going to grow up? No chance. I am too happy with the child in me!”.

Fetish, fantasy or just a life choice? Think what you want, it’s up to you. But it’s about the right to be yourself, and Christian hopes he will see more acceptance soon when ABs start to come out a bit more.

Eva Lamour is a freelance writer with a degree in Intercultural Studies and Sociolinguistics. Her interest in alternative culture scene has inspired part of her writing. As a cultural explorer she is keen to embark on more adventures into the unusual. Being a linguist, she writes in English, French and Spanish for various publications. Eva can be contacted through www.PictureRama.co.uk, publishers of the Fetish Map London and Burlesque Map London.’

Photographer: James Drury
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