Ask Patrick: Walk it like you talk it

By on July 30, 2010

Dear Patrick: What can you do about the fucking wankers? I am truly sick of them. They look the part, they talk the part, and they dress the part. But when you get them home and it’s time to play, they want to take their leather or latex off and just screw the old-fashioned way. How can somebody with a stud through his lip and a tattoo of a muscle man in bondage all over his back be vanilla? How?!? Is there no way to separate the genuinely kinky players from those who merely enjoy our fashion and our venues?–A Real Perv

Dear Real Perv: Well, you could quit picking people up based on how they look. The club kids who love their leather chaps and latex aprons aren’t going to stop dressing up like the Marquis de Sade’s wettest wet dream. Kinky fashionistas are one of the largest contingents of the kinky community. While some of them have a bit of potential to do a little bondage or wear a weak pair of nipple clamps, they are for the most part dressing up to get themselves all turned on for a good hard shag later in the night. There’s nothing wrong with that, Real Perv. The fault lies in your faulty SadoDar (as opposed to GayDar).
Learn a bit more about your candidates for sex dates. If you like getting spanked, lean on the bar and tell the man of your dreams to give you a couple of good smacks. If he can’t muster up a decent and enthusiastic performance, don’t get into a cab with him. Ask him how many paddles he has. Ask him to describe his favorite one. Lean in close, tweak his nipple, and whisper a graphic description of drinking his piss (if that’s what you want to do). If he winces or makes a face, pass him by. Rub his crotch while you whisper. A firm erection would be an indication that you are on the right track. Tell him you are completely submissive and ask him what he would do with you or to you. Don’t give him any help. See if he can come up with something suitably sadistic. A wannabe will just look cornered and miserable.
Play with people who have a reputation in the community as decent tops. Get referrals from friends. Get references from new guys and check them out. Cruise at leather community events or heavy play parties instead of dance clubs or raves. Don’t follow someone around on a leash if his outfit looks fresh off the rack. Shop for guys whose their leather looks well-worn and broken in.
Good luck with sorting the wheat from the chaff. The best of us have been fooled by a broad pair of shoulders and a leather vest.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

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