The Proper Dominatrix

By on September 21, 2009

Patrick califia Dear Patrick,
How do I tell a real dominatrix from someone who is merely trying to get a few hundred pounds out of me? I’ve had such a hard time finding a relationship with a dominant lady that I have been willing to offer “tribute,” but I want fair value. I’ve been in some pretty odd situations lately, with women who promised full dungeons, for example, who had nothing of the sort. Or the usual idiocy when somebody sends you an attractive, youthful picture, but in person they are obviously ten or twelve years older. I am usually so keyed up that I go ahead with the encounter, but I’d really like to find someone who understands the submissive male and won’t lie to me. Even in a kinky relationship of a limited nature, that seems like a bad beginning to me.
A Genuine Submissive

Dear Genuine Submissive,
Laws regarding commercial sex vary a great deal from one locale to another. In some jurisdictions, the legal system does not pursue action against BDSM establishments. However, you should always be aware of what the laws are in your region, and be aware that I cannot advocate that you commit an illegal act.

Unfortunately, there are a handful of sex workers who believe they can charge more and do less by appealing to the pervs. They don’t have any deep knowledge of our scene or any respect for it. Unless you’ve got a specific fetish for having a prostitute rough you up, this isn’t—as you point out—the ideal setting for a genuine submissive. You need a new strategy to weed out the frauds.

I think part of the problem is that your desires are in an uproar when you make these visits. To put it another way, you don’t always set out to see a dominatrix when common sense is in charge. I believe commercial domination works best when you find somebody who is (a) physically attractive to you, (b) highly skilled, and (c) the operator of a safe and sexy place for scenes. Instead of looking for dates when you are horny enough to go blind, devote some time to meeting a domme when you are not in a frenzy. Explain that you are looking for someone you can see on a regular basis, and ask if you can pay for an hour of her time, to meet, have a conversation about what you like, and see her space.

The phonies will not want to do this. But a well-established and knowledgeable mistress will probably be relieved to meet someone with good manners and common sense. (She may also charge a lot more.) Arrive on time, be neatly dressed, and don’t stay longer than the time allotted—unless she invites you to do so. Keep her contact information on hand so that when the moon is full, you already have a safe place to be locked up. For your own good, of course.

Patrick Califia is a therapist in private practice in Northern California. His practice includes internet consultations as well as face-to-face psychotherapy. He is a prolific author who has published widely about BDSM and sexual politics. Patrick’s books include Macho Sluts, Sensuous Magic, and Public Sex: The Politics of Radical Sex.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at
patrick@skintwo.com

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