Miss Makeover – Marry in Haste. Resent at Leisure

By on March 22, 2010

A good drama needs conflict. It sets the characters against each other, gives us a chance to see them in extremis. So I can’t complain really. My marriage was a joke and my divorce is a tragedy which will continue even after my death. My child is growing up seeing how much his parents hate each other. Such people tend to reproduce the bickering blueprint they grew up with. “Man hands on misery to man/ It deepens like a coastal shelf/ Get out as soon as you can/ and don’t have kids yourself.” Thank you, Philip Larkin, a man so utterly terrified of death that he froze in its headlights. As for the ultimate sentence of death – ‘I do’ – no woman could ever drag him to the gallows. Whether his life on death row was any better is debatable. You might as well get married and have done with it.

Or so I thought, till I tied the knot – around my own neck. After a few good months I spent the next few years gradually suffocating. And when the end came it was anything but merciful.

I had thought my friend Vicky had suffered the cruelest end to a relationship. To get out of being in a relationship with her a scumbag journalist had pretended he was dying. Enough about her. I was dumped for an older woman, the sort of muslin-fetishist who leaves grey streaks in her hair, on purpose. Maybe that stripy look is attractive to raccoons or badgers. Quite why a red-blooded male like my ex succumbed to death by home-made yoghurt I will never know.

Perhaps he was just mithering for mothering. Bullied by her breasts. Pinioned by a pair of paps, In case you’re wondering I overdo alliteration as a tease. Perhaps hoping that some long gone English teacher will drag me over his knee and spank me. And if makes crusty creeps like Kingsley Amis spin in their graves then so much the better.

Sorry. I just prefer fooling around with words or indeed doing just about anything rather than facing my real problem which is…

Miss Makeover is an upmarket therapist working with men who would rather be women (as long as their wives don’t find out), behaviour modification specialist, fashionista and scene fetishist.
Suki Greene as told to MarkRamsden.co.uk

Leave Comment