We’re all aware of the massive success of Fifty Shades of Grey, the blockbuster novel with more than a thread of SM that became a worldwide best seller. It’s masturbation fantasy for women; it doesn’t have much connection with the real world of men and women for whom their BDSM sexuality is a vital part of their character. Those of us who do BDSM for real might be more interested in Broken Boundaries, by Tiffany Yorke…
Why? Because Broken Boundaries is not fantasy, not fiction – it’s real. It is the true story of a BDSM submissive trying to reconcile their kinky sexuality with their longing to find a life partner. How do I know this? Because Tiffany has been a friend of mine for over twenty years, as she recalled when we met to talk about Broken Boundaries…
“We met when I was taken to your house in 1988, to be measured for a chastity belt and we’ve kept in touch, on and off, ever since.”
So Tiffany’s sexuality must have been pretty much set in stone all that time ago… or was she just playing then and has she only recently come to realise that being a BDSM submissive is actually a vital part of her character?
“It was about three years ago that I started to go out and really try to find that relationship with the perfect master. Before then, I had dated and always just hinted. I used to say I needed a firm hand, that sort of thing. Vanilla had just never been satisfactory for me. Part of the jigsaw was always missing. I have been married too, and there was some BDSM element, but never really the proper thing.”
Broken Boundaries is taken largely from Tiffany’s blog, In Search of the Perfect Master, with emails between her and her close friends reproduced. So is it a chronicle of her journey over the years to reconcile her sexuality with the rest of her life ?
“I started online dating via a fetish website and one or two of my girlfriends wanted to know all the latest. You know, how did the date go, was he hot, what did you get up to, all that. The emails sort of fanned out to more and more people. Even the girl who fixed my broadband wanted to be kept up to date. So then I started to write it as a blog and that grew into the book. The book is the true story of my quest to find the perfect master. I have changed all the names, though!”
Has Fifty Shades of Grey made the general public more receptive to BDSM?
“Although it’s corny and not really true to real BDSM, I think Fifty Shades has made the public more curious. It’s easier now for fiction or non-fiction around the subject to get published.”
At one point, Tiffany had thought to call the book by the same title as her blog, In Search of the Perfect Master, so why change it to Broken Boundaries?
“Partly it’s just a shorter title, but there’s another reason too. The last person I met in my quest really did break my boundaries. As you know, it’s essential to have mutual respect between sub and dom for the relationship to work, but he didn’t get that at all.”
People approach their kinky sexuality in different ways. Some share BDSM with their partner. Others have a straight partner and share BDSM with friends, in the full knowledge of their partner. Some lead totally secret lives; their wives and husbands have no idea. Most of us compromise, balancing honesty, loyalty to our partners and our own needs as best we can. I got the impression that Tiffany is not one to compromise, though – she is on a serious quest to find that master who can satisfy her every need…
“Not really. I like to play, but a 24/7 relationship becomes boring. I like the yin and yang, to be a normal woman in a business suit by day and treated like a slut in the evening. I’ve found this out about myself. Of course there can be a compromise.”
Meeting people online who are into kinky sex can be a minefield. The web is full of time-wasters and nutters. What have the guys Tiffany met been like?
“Most of the men I’ve met have been intelligent and well read. You really have to be, in this lifestyle. You do meet men who are attached – they’re the ones who can’t stay overnight or who can’t meet at weekends. Some of them simply want another notch on the St Andrews Cross. I was disappointed in one guy who didn’t return my clothes! Some of them just want cyber, not real life. There was one relationship which went on for four or five dates. I eventually left the UK for him. That’s the one where it all went wrong, hence the book’s title.”
Is it realistic to search for the perfect master? Maybe that’s looking for a bit much?
“I don’t think so at all. In the vanilla world, it’s much the same, surely.”
But surely there may come a time to compromise and settle down with a nice straight guy whose company you enjoy – and then play with whoever you choose in the BDSM scene?
“Yes, at some point, absolutely, although not many men tolerate their partner getting sex elsewhere. I’m not keen on lying and I’m sure the whip marks would be noticed. Settling down with a submissive guy who was happy for me to do what I liked would not work for me either – I wouldn’t mind if he went off to see a pro dominatrix, but I can’t be in a dominant role with men. I like companionship, but while I’m still ticking – mentally and sexually – I need a BDSM approach in bed.”
In the book, Tiffany is sometimes seeing several candidates at once, balancing them like spinning plates on sticks. Do any of them look like getting the job yet?
“Don’t forget that the book deals with the past. There was sometimes a bit of overlap at times, yes. I’m through all that now.”
Are straight websites any good for finding a fetish partner?
“Recently, there has been much more reference to BDSM in the straight media. Profiles on vanilla websites sometimes have kinky references – these are the men who take a while to get around to the point!”
“I did get a very nice contact via fetlife.com and I find that a good site for women _ there are some good women’s forums. The people I’ve met from there are more likely to be real. I’m not sure about collarme.com.”
What about safety? If you’re going to get tied up by men you’ve met only once or twice, do you follow the usual safety rules? Do you call a friend before you play and again afterwards, so they know where you are and when you will be home?
“I chanced it once, at the beginning. It was stupid, but it worked out all right that time. I always play safe now. I always meet in public, close to my home, but without giving my address. I arrive first, so they can’t even see the direction I came from. (Although I can’t be spanked for being late, which is a snag.) If I meet them again, I make sure a good friend has all the details.”
Meeting people online is only one way to make contact and, as we see, it has drawbacks. There are fetish clubs, although they are often very noisy, which is fine for dancing but hopeless for making new friends. Hence the popularity of munches, meetings for a social chat among local fetish folks in pubs.
“At the moment, I’m happy with what I’ve got, but I would recommend munches for sure. If there’s one anywhere near you, they’re a great way to meet people. If you do go online, though, talk to someone on skype before you go too far, maybe before you send any contact information or photos. Try to make sure they are real.”
BDSM fiction is essentially masturbation fantasy, so we know what the reader gets from that. That’s fine, but Broken Boundaries is a true story, which is very different. What is the reader supposed to get from that?
“I’d like women to identify with a successful professional woman who is sexually submissive. You don’t have to be a weak person to be submissive. I want them to be aware of safety as well, to know what to do. Hopefully men will learn from it, too.”
What about my observation that more and more educated women over the past twenty years or so have enjoyed being submissive, having their wishes catered to by a bloke of their choice?
“I think that’s true. The more responsibility we take on, the more we like to submit when the time is right. So many submissive men are highly qualified, responsible professionals – the familiar image of the top executive going to the dominatrix, etc. As women take on more responsible, pressured roles, they want some fun too.”
Buy Broken Boundaries for only £2.99 as a pdf, an epub and mobi file, to work on most tablets, PCs, Macs Kindles, Android phones, laptops, etc. at www.autharium.com
and look out for the upcoming sequel…
By Tim Woodward