David Beckham: Prince Albert Piercing?

By on November 16, 2010

Popbitch.com has been insinuating that Metrosexual God David Beckham may have a genital piercing, this might be the intimate detail some sex worker or other can identify. In a case we won’t be able to read about because of an injunction. Probably. Onwards. A poster has claimed that men with small Prince Alberts and foreskins may still pee standing up, using the foreskin to direct the flow but bigger Prince Albert wearers will have to sit down. Indeed so. I have a top of the range size eight ring which would require a professional piercer and a pair of pliers to remove. (Too much information? Well it is a fetish site.) At an age where sitting down is the option of choice in most areas it’s not a problem to squat to urinate. This has the added advantage of not driving the woman in your life insane by mistakenly leaving the seat up. Plus the ring lodges in my partner Missus Lovett’s G spot, giving me an unfair advantage. As Andy Warhol once wrote, (or whoever wrote his books for him, probably Paul Morrissey,) on looking young, “I’ll use anything. Smoke, trick mirrors.”

New Men (remember them?) on the Continent apparently sit down in solidarity with women. Male feminist wusses like Mark Kermode (real name Fairey, as I never tire of repeating) will no doubt find this admirable, as will self-hating sub men, “Can I move in, Mistress? I’ll  live under your stairwell. I won’t be any trouble.” (See BDSM Bad Advice’s excellent comic strip on this subject. http://bdsmbadadvice.com/?p=174) Male Subs may have successfully skewed the public fetish dynamic permanently in favour of morbidly obese, gruesome, ballkicking harridans but then the majority is generally wrong.

Back to healthy sexual exploration, I’ve come to the end of my Prince Albert journey, which took about fifteen years from smallest ring insertion and mind blowing orgasm on first day (against piercer’s advice) to the massive ring and ball closure which must be the final step as my not overlarge equipment can’t take anything heavier. (It’s a grower not a shower but the respectable full tilt can’t take any more.) The old chap, Odin’s Hammer, (yes, that was a joke) ‘the snake’ (thanks to Hank from  Larry Sanders), call it what you will, is occasionally pinched and painful lugging its heavy duty cargo around. A French piercer in Camden (not Cold Steel but near there) told me he had to downgrade from this size 8. The pain of its insertion (I did two upgrade steps in one piercing not recommended) pushed me off the wagon for a disastrous afternoon of boozed idiocy but I’m glad I couldn’t take it out. Soon the ‘like a dog with two dicks’ novelty asserted itself and I had another fresh lease of sexual life. To whoever invented this wondrous accessory I raise a glass of sparkling mineral water (with ice and a slice). Thanks for enhancing the lives of so many men and their partners.

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2 Comments

mark ramsden

December 14, 2010 @ 04:20

It’s all about the G Spot! That big steel life-enhancing belt which sails the pink sea. Or is it? The debate continues.

Ruth Ramsden

December 13, 2010 @ 21:16

I shall also raise a glass to your Prince Albert! There is no such thing as gilding the lily when it comes to the magnificent PA…

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