Dear BDSM Bad Advice,
I’m a bisexual woman and I just turned 18 last week. I think I’ve always been interested in BDSM. I started reading kinky stories online when I was 13 and started playing on Second Life a couple of years later. I’m curious about almost everything but I think I’m more of a submissive.
Now that I’m of legal age, I want to go to my first play party next weekend. There’s a dungeon about an hour away from where I live and their website says there are parties every weekend. I’m really excited but I don’t know what to expect or what to do. I don’t want to drive all that way, pay to get in and not get to play. Or even worse, embarrass myself and not be able to ever go back.
Please tell me what to do so I can have fun and make a good impression.
Dear Nervous Noob,
Between your young age and inexperience, you may encounter people who disrespect you or assume you can’t really know what you want. So I recommend that you lie about both. Tell everyone you meet that you’re 36 and that you’ve had a lot of Botox treatments. Since you’ve had five years of reading kinky smut and three years of online roleplay, tell them you have eight years in the scene. When they ask why they’ve never seen you before, just say you moved there from another city.
You’ll have to back up your claims with a bold demonstration of your knowledge. Grab a top’s singletail out of their hand during a scene and just start wailing on their bottom. It won’t matter if you’re no good at it. Just tell them that it’s just an Old Guard technique they’re unfamiliar with. Everyone in the scene has such reverence for everything Old Guard that they will believe you.
Everyone will be so impressed that you’ll have your pick of play partners, both tops and bottoms. When you approach a top, remember they will not respect anyone who has limits. Insist that you have none and that you never use a safeword. Also, all tops are Doms. As an uncollared submissive, you are automatically in service to every top/Dom at the party. So when you approach them, grovel at their feet and call them Master or Mistress. They will appreciate your directness.
Follow this advice and you are sure to make an impression that will not be soon forgotten!
Jonathan Byrel Moore is a collared boy and switch in the San Francisco Bay area. Though he is dangerously unqualified to dispense advice on BDSM, kink, Leather, or any other topic, he enjoys giving it anyway. When he isn’t busy being a bad influence at dungeon parties, he drops little brown pellets of wisdom via Twitter, Facebook and FetLife.
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