BDSMBadAdvice: How do I earn my leather?

By on October 23, 2010

Dear BDSMBadAdvice,

I have long been interested in Leather but I only recently worked up the nerve to do anything about it. So I went to my city’s biggest leather store last week and bought over $2000 worth of leather items.

Last night, I proudly wore all my shiny new leather to a local leather bar. I was hoping to make some new friends who might teach me about Leather, or possibly even the Master of my dreams. Instead, a stranger lambasted me for wearing a bunch leather I clearly hadn’t earned. I was so embarrassed!

Before I go back to that bar and risk humiliation again, can you please tell me how I should earn my leather?

Closet Full of Unearned Leather

Dear Closet Full of Unearned Leather,

Yours is a common problem. Enthusiastic newbies often want to embrace every aspect of Leather culture with gusto, and leather stores are very happy to sell them lots of clothes and accessories. Sometimes, though, these stores don’t take the time to explain the rich symbolism behind every piece of leather. For this reason, a secret cabal of Leathermen has created universal procedures for earning each item.

The Bureau of Official Old Guard Protocols recommends questing for leather items. Go back to that Leather bar in your street clothes. Don’t worry about whether the bar has a dress code. Just tell the bouncer that you seek a quest. Seek an elder Leatherman with an orange question mark floating over his head. To earn a leather armband, he will have you kill a dozen level-10 zombies or bring him eight martinis. You will have to complete several lower-level quests before you are ready to earn bigger items like chaps. Some more challenging quests, like for a Master’s cap, require a party of up to five people. Also, it’s helpful to remember that you earn double experience if you’re rested.

An alternative method of earning leather is to shoplift from the leather store. This requires many of the same skills you’d use for questing, so the Bureau considers the two methods roughly equivalent. You will have to hide items in your body cavities, so again, it’s best to start with smaller items like gloves. With practice, you’ll be able to accommodate things like spanking benches and bondage beds.

When you go out wearing the leather you’ve earned by either of these methods, it’s important that everyone knows that you have the right to wear it. Leave on all the pricetags, and in the case of shoplifted items, the anti-theft devices. Also, be sure to wear all your clothes correctly. For example, true Leathermen only tuck in one side of their shirts. Go over your boots with very coarse sandpaper to give them a matte finish. Masters always wear lacy pink bras on their heads. Boys put a cigarette in each nostril.

You’ll never have to worry about being embarrassed at the leather bar ever again.

Jonathan Byrel Moore is a collared boy and switch in the San Francisco Bay area. Though he is dangerously unqualified to dispense advice on BDSM, kink, Leather, or any other topic, he enjoys giving it anyway. When he isn’t busy being a bad influence at dungeon parties, he drops little brown pellets of wisdom via Twitter, Facebook and FetLife.

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