Keeping BDSM in a Compartment

By on October 5, 2009

Patrick CalifiaDear Patrick,

I am a married man and cannot afford to go home to my wife with bruises or other marks. Yet I am seriously masochistic, and when I see a dominatrix, I want a fired-up, mean, elegant one who will thrash the hell out of me.

I know people outside of our community won’t understand this, and I didn’t understand it myself for a long time. But at my age I no longer care what other people think. I am a responsible provider, and I work long hours at a job I dislike. The beatings and the role-playing take me into another world, and give me a release that keeps me peaceful and able to be amicable with my distant and critical wife. But I always find myself pulling back, afraid that I will go home with evidence that will ruin my carefully organized life.

I want to keep the whipping and caning away from the suburbs!

Commuter Between Two Worlds

Dear Commuter,

Unfortunately, a lot of people find themselves in your situation. So please don’t feel that I am being critical when I discuss this a bit. I know many men (and a few women) who entered long-term, committed relationships because they assumed their interest in BDSM was a minor thing that they could easily give up. Sometimes they hoped they would be able to interest their mates in it eventually. I know that in mainstream culture, we often define sexual orientation by the gender of our partners. But I think that BDSM constitutes a sexual orientation that has little to do with gender. And I think it is as global and as difficult to change or give up as being heterosexual, bisexual, or gay.

You have set your own life path, and you haven’t asked for advice about your marriage (or your job), so I won’t give you any. But I will tell you that it is damned difficult to give somebody a hard whipping, spanking, paddling, or caning without leaving any marks. The impact is naturally going to create bruises. You can minimize this by abstaining from aspirin or any other drug that interferes with blood clotting. Take your vitamins. Taking arnica is often recommended by my martial artist friends as a way to heal bruises quickly.
Some implements are more likely to cause bruising than others. But it is definitely a myth that you can beat someone with a rubber hose, for example, and leave no marks. I find that I can sometimes give a masochist a decent ride if I aim only for the skin. I don’t allow the strike to go below the surface. Even so, if the implement is thin, there is the occasional scratch or weal.

If your wife is distant, is it at all possible to conceal your body from her while you heal? Will she think it odd if she never sees you completely naked? You can take your pajamas into the bathroom and put them on after your shower. If the marks are confined to your buttocks, you can be careful about showing your back side to her.

Another option is to branch out into other forms of play. There are many ways to cause intense sensation or erotic pain other than whipping. There is temperature play, pressure on sensitive areas from clips or clamps, and electricity. If you decide to go that route, send me another letter, because electrical play requires a lot of expertise and the right equipment in order to be safe. But it certainly will not leave any marks.

I sympathize with your desire to keep everything neatly compartmentalized. Only you can say if the benefits you’ve gained from having an outwardly normal life have outweighed the self-denial and fear of discovery.

This column is not intended to offer medical or legal advice. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you need medical or legal advice, see a doctor or lawyer!

Do you have a question for Patrick?
Please feel free to leave your comments below or you can reach him at
patrick@skintwo.com

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